One thing that had bothered me for a long time now is the issue about friends. Especially friends you trusted and expected to have some semblance of “having your back” when it needs be.

Maybe it shouldn’t be a big deal or maybe sometimes I place high expectations on ppl. As I often feel I do.

I used to have very plain expectations of “friends” that mainly revolved around the “i don’t lie to u, u don’t lie to me” thing. I thought that this is the top tacit universal golden rule. Time and again I was proven wrong. Maybe I loved too much and expected as much back. Naively.

Another rule I always had for myself is not to lobby aggressively against anyone I don’t like in the presence of mutual friends.

I think that a friend, especially a close one, would have their own excellent reasons why they’re friends with this detestable/annoying/horrid/chuyokelou/(insert relevant adjective) being and I don’t need or want to make them choose sides. It’s very unfair to whatever relationship they might have, understandable to me or not. I also feel this is a very immature playground behaviour.

The same also applies when I’m the one being the person facing the “Gee, why are you friends with this detestable/annoying/horrid/chuyokelou/(insert relevant adjective) person?” question. I will just tell them, “Well, he’s a very nice person if only you get to know him.” or whatever relevant reason I’m friends with that particular detestable/annoying/horrid/relevant adj person.

So, of course, I expected ppl to afford me the same courtesy. This is always not the case.

Many times I got asked why why why and a barrage of horrid things will be said to me and my face about how horrible this said person is. I’d use my own judgement system to know how fucked up someone is to me. If I can still accept it, please don’t ask me again why. Thank you.

I think I’d feel wtf too if a horrid/despicable person plays a major role in a close mutual friend’s life. Maybe I might have been lucky not to have had made to feel the need to urgently choose sides. So far, I’ve yet to feel the need to re-evaluate a close friend’s mentality by this.

I’m glad that some close friends know not to get me to choose sides or yap about it or think less of me for it.

I wish some ppl to please respect my decision to be friends with whomever I choose to as much as I respect their decision not to.

I’ve grown really really tired of defending my friends. Slowly, I’ve distanced myself away from them so as to get less earfuls of these drama.

I’m so tired. And I feel so sad.

But it’s no longer as depressing as it was before to lose a friend or two to me. Maybe I’ve grown numb to all these things. (Or all these are repressed and come out like a columbine shooting one day… you just wait)

It’s also tiring for me to have to tell the object of displeasure that “No, she doesn’t hate you lar. Just wondering why I’m friends with someone like you/and questions your motives/thinks you’re distasteful/bla bla…”. One side always imagines the other hates them more than the actual case and talks about it a lot more to me/mutual friend(s) when they don’t. meh

I admit that I did judge a few ppl unfairly before I got to know them (mostly ‘coz I was kinda annoyed with some aspects of their personality that they showed me on first impression). Some have managed to change my unfavourable perceptions of them around and made me like them a lot. But not all. I do feel bad about this. I really shouldn’t care too much really. Lots of ppl judged me wrongly on first impressions before as well. So, I should avoid this more. (like chao angmo. he’s ok. still smelly though. hmpf. and still angmo.)

Why can’t ppl just act more “decently” and ignore that annoying person instead of embarrassing their mutual friends by constantly be sarcastic and stinging towards them when they’re just asking boring questions to be nice? I’m not trying to illustrate how nice I am, ‘coz I do get into heated debates with some of those annoying ppl on topics I feel strongly about… not when someone’s just making an innocent convo-starter to me.

This all is just… making me tired of socialising. I’ve to think of who’s not happy with who so I can’t bring up the person’s name during conversations, hide the fact that I hung out with someone and whatnots. I can’t recall how many times I’ve been so mortified by these ppl that I’m so apprehensive about mixing up groups of ppl I meet now.

Many times I’ve let things slide ‘coz I couldn’t be bothered correcting/arguing/debating anymore. It’s a matter of conserving energy and not feeling all sapped out from defending ppl you love and choosing sides.

Trying to be normal human being is already so much work! omg!

I know I’ve cut off some ppl from my life before, but only the few that had done some stupendously horrid things to me that mutual friends knew automatically not to even try bringing up this person’s name in front of my face or try to mend things between us or be at the same place. These ppl deserved it ok.

Most of the ppl I’m no longer in touch constantly now are ppl I used to love so much and drifted apart because of busy schedules or small misunderstandings. I still think of them sometimes. I hope those who had misunderstandings between us would grow to find a way to forgive and forget (if possible. i ald forgotten most of it).. I just hope all of you know that I loved you with all my heart. Or, if the misunderstanding is so big to you that our friendship is no longer feasible, I’d prefer not to have it mentioned ever again and let’s continue our separate ways. I’m okay with that solution.

How does this work? Is the acid test whether you’d still invite that person to your wedding??? or, urm..funeral.

Gawd. I’m ranting on and on… :/

Today, I’m glad I’m still good pals with the girl who used to kick my ass in zero point (well, sometimes) and gone through so much love, tears, sweat, heartaches, longass letters, misunderstandings, phone number changes, etc with after 20yrs. Can’t believe it sometimes that we’ve managed to be friends so frikin’ long now. lol

We came a long long way from those days of being bullied, fights and made to pick sides. At least we have a common enemy.

I love you, babe. I wish you all the love in the world for your journey ahead as a married woman this weekend. xxx

pssttt… can’t wait to be a godmom!! :P